Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Coming Out: Infertility-Style

It has been much too long since we have posted an update on here. And it won't really happen in this post. Someday soon, though. We've had so many adventures since either of us last wrote, but there is really only one that I'm going to mention today.

Infertility.

You big stinkin' butt head.

(Anyone who knows me well knows that the word "butt" was totally against the rules in our house. Sooooo....don't tell Mom, but I sort of take a guilty pleasure in using it when I really mean it. And, oh, how I mean it.)

We've been battling this beast for a while now. It doesn't really matter how long. Longer than some and shorter than many, many others. But long enough for me to be able to say out loud that this is the most painful, traumatic, heart-wrenching, and exhausting thing I've ever done in my life. I hate it. Almost every second of it.

Except those couple seconds in every million where something strikes us as ridiculously funny and we can actually find humor in the process. Or when James and I realize suddenly that WE - together - are still going strong despite everything. Or most especially when one of you gets it - really gets it. Not necessarily because of experience, but because of an amazing pure love for us that goes way deeper than words or actions.

And I've had so many spontaneous encounters (in person, via phone/email, even through old-fashioned mail) with people in the last month who really "got it", that I have found myself slowly, unconsciously, involuntarily opening up. I can't live any more in the isolation that has owned me for a while now. So here I go, taking a huge big-girl step here: I'm going to ask for help. Not financial, so don't panic. Not really even tangible or physical.

I'm going to ask you to walk this journey with us. Listen to us. Pray for us. Let us lean on your hopes for us when ours are crushed yet again. Be a shoulder to cry on when we need it and an escape to happier places when our tears are all exhausted and all that's left to do is laugh. Be sensitive but don't back away - never back away. Basically, I am asking you to love us no matter what. Because love is the only thing that makes it kind of ok.

We are going to be open about it. Maybe more open than some of you ever wished we would be, but that's one reason why I'm taking this journey to a different blog. That way, those of you not comfortable with our fertility crap (ha! that's another taboo word!) can be spared the details while still keeping up with us. Also, I'd prefer not to be defined by infertility, so it feels important to me to keep it (maybe only symbolically) a little distanced from the rest of life, even if it is only a delusion.

So you can read about this special (note the sarcasm) journey soon at TheLeftOveries.blogspot.com. And yes, I know that ovary is spelled with an 'a' :)

See you there.

6 comments:

  1. So sorry Emily. You are such an amazing, beautiful and strong person. We just went to a fundraiser that helps people pay for In Vitro. Check out www.poundthepavementforparenthood.com. Love you! You'll be in our prayers.

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    1. Thanks, Alysha :) I'll take a look at the website. We appreciate the prayers and love.

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  2. EM!!! I just love you! You know I'm here for you and love to talk about all things infertility because talking about it makes everyone feel better. I'm glad you are blogging about this! I'm just a phone call or text away.

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    1. Oh, I love you too! I do want to chat! I have your number now, so I'll call you sometime soon. I have a few questions for you about your experience. Thanks for the love!

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  3. You are such a brave and strong person to open up like this. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I may not know personally what it feels like to have to go through this trial, but many, too many, of my loved ones have. I know pain it causes, and I know there is a light in the end of the tunnel. Love and prayers to you both.

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    1. Keola - thank you. That means a lot. Love you!

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